In Zona, we learn almost as much about Geoff Dyer himself as we do about Stalker. For example, Geoff Dyer cannot stand Top Gear (unsurprising) and refuses to watch his beloved film on television (‘the Zone is cinema,’ he insists. ‘It does not even exist on telly’.) His father does not like pubs or wasting money and Dyer’s wife looks remarkably like Natasha McElhone in the 2002 film Solaris (the one that wasn’t directed by Tarkovsky). It’s this tendency towards the personal and the tangential, combined with a detailed, almost frame-by-frame account of Stalker (the full extent Dyer abandons; the film has far too many frames for it to be worthwhile) that leads an innocent reader to think they can read this book without seeing the film.

Please watch the film, if you haven’t. It’s one of those life-changing films. Eerie, almost clairvoyant allusions to Chernobyl aside, it’s a beautiful film that, if you’re receptive enough, could change the way you watch films. Or at least, teach you how to watch films like it.

When your mind wanders, during those long ‘nothing happens’ scenes, you wonder if maybe you’re one of those people who have been conditioned by modern western broadband life to have the attention span of a toddler. After a while, though, you realise that your mind isn’t really wandering so much as succumbing slowly (or quickly) to The Zone. I can’t explain this sufficiently. Geoff Dyer can.

Dyer describes a scene in the film Uzak, directed by Nuri Bilge Ceylan, in which two characters happen to be lounging in front of a television, and Stalker just happens to be playing in the background, and then in the foreground as the characters interact with it. He then points us to a scene from Michael Haneke’s Time of the Wolf:

In keeping with Haneke’s rinsed neutrality, one cannot say that he alludes to Stalker – that would be to freight the shot with exactly the kind of meaning he has rigorously avoided. But if it is impossible, as the poet Anthony Hecht pointed out, ‘to begin two consecutive pentameter lines with the words “After the” without an alert reader saying “Ha! Elliot! The Waste Land!”,’ then it is equally impossible to film anything like a horizontal view of a landscape from a train, without a similarly alert viewer saying ‘Ha! Tarkovsky! Stalker!’

This quote is from a five-and-a-half-page-long footnote which opens by suggesting that this book, Zona, could be a catalogue of references to films within films (and Dyer wastes no opportunity throughout the book to show us these wherever possible) before dismissing the idea as uninteresting. Dyer can’t help himself, despite this apparent aversion to it, and seems to enjoy toying with the ‘meta’ discussion. But then, without this, Zona would probably be a lot less interesting to read. After all, if you really wanted to become purely a Tarkovkyist, you’d only need to skip to the bibliography at the end. And read a whole lot of articles on the internet. Zona is more than novel-length cinephiliac masturbation. It’s a little bit of that, but Dyer’s obsession with this film seems so pure, so well justified, that we’re just happy to be a part of the book about the journey.

Another good reason to have watched Stalker before reading this: a sense of shared experience with the author. (His admission of only ever watching Stalker at the cinema mildly appealed to my narcissism, having first watched it, also in my early twenties, at Chauvel cinema. Perhaps more than mildly, considering I absolutely had to include that little tidbit here.) He doesn’t pretend to completely understand every moment of the film. Oh, thank God, he wondered about the significance of Stalker’s metal nut-throwing. Dyer questions the various possible meanings behind each new strangeness the Zone displays, the vague, sometimes philosophical (we think?) dialogue.

Dyer often uses many words to make what ends up being a succinct point, but this is the charm of it.

So you are at some anime con with you hot boyfriend and suddenly this girl appears and slaps your boyfriend’s ass, what would you do?

For the record this girl is 5’9″ 96 lb and she’s cosplaying some MLP character

01/29/12

Nah, I’m 5’9″ and 137lbs. I’m definitely not a skeleton, but I’m nowhere near chubby. What I was referencing is that most of the men I know don’t like girls that are “too” skinny, in a sense that they don’t have any breasts/butt to speak of, and their hip bones probably would stab the guy during sex. I also feel like the photo does not reference the body type a girl of her hypothetical height and weight would have. 96 lbs is fine for a shorter girl, but I feel for a taller girl, her hypothetical weight needs to be increased.

Besides, like I said, I’m really only jelly of her eyes.

I gotta admit though, I’m totally jelly of her eyes.

Anonymous 1/28/12

What’s your deepest, darkest, cosplay/lolita related secret /cgl/? Something that gnaws in the pit of your stomach every day, something that if anyone knew about your reputation would be ruined and life as you know it would effectively end?

I’m desperately in love with one of the characters that my SO cosplays, and sometimes when they’re not home I bury my face in it and cry for hours. I’m pretty sure they’d leave me if they knew.

Anonymous 01/29/12

Ok guys,

I wanna cosplay as Anonymous.

Not with the guy fawkes mask, but with the green mask.

Any ideas how to do the green mask?

I’ve seen some people with a full-body green suit.

I have no idea where to get that.

Thanks in advance!!

Anonymous 01/29/12(Sun)

Don’t do that you horrendous horsefucker

Things to See and Do

Coffee

Established in 2003 as part of the biannual Westfield refurbishments, Carindale Shopping Centre’s Gloria Jeans cafe has continued to provide thirsty shoppers with its unique brand of green tea frappicinos and two-sugar flat whites. Known for his early starts, friendly owner Gordon will greet you with smiles from his many chins, and if you are lucky enough to be under twenty and female, expect a couple of extra stamps on your loyalty card.

Shopping

Don’t let the dried-blood coloured carpets or pot-smoking trolley boys in the basement car park deter you; Carindale shopping centre is not only a hidden mecca of fashion outlets and electronics shops but also a gateway into the oft-forgotten south east suburbs, thanks to a collection of bus stations that put Chermside to shame. Only three bus transfers and a short 50 minute walk will take you to Wynnum, a coastal suburb famous for its Blockbuster video rental store. The same Blockbuster outside of which two young men participated in a shovel swordfight one muggy two dollar Tuesday evening. Keep your eyes on the ground as not only will you avoid inadvertently challenging someone to a fight, but you may also find a lucky shard of the losing boy’s teeth. For those of you not in the mood for scavenger hunts, however, Elissa who runs the market stall on the corner of the complex sells these lucky shards for $5 a piece in a ziplock bag.

A quick 90-minute train ride will take you into the vibrant and cosmopolitan city. Feel like a swim? Why wouldn’t you? Every day in Brisbane is perfect swimming weather. But now you’re in the city and the closest beach is at the Gold Coast, a whole hour away. Rest assured, we’ve quizzed the local city folk for you and found one of Brisbane’s best kept secrets.

Entertainment

South Bank is the proud home of Breaka Beach, a man-made city beach just off the river, nestled by palm trees, spiritual Asia-inspired huts, and the occasional 80s vintage high-rise. According to local superstition, stepping out of the water with a bandaid stuck to your lip is considered a sign of good fortune. Our recommendation for a perfect day at Breaka Beach: toss some crumbs at a passing ibis, purchase a multi-coloured slinky from the South Bank markets and race it down one of the impeccably kept grassy hills. Do watch out for snogging young people, though, as this is a romantic hotspot among the high school students. Local business owners have continuously lobbied the council for these saliva-riddled pests to be eradicated, but the council has only responded by planting more ferns in the secluded walkways. They argued that the extortionate prices and lack of smoking facilities at venues in the area, as well as its general lack of any redeeming value except as a risky place to fornicate, have helped preserve the area from being overrun with tourists.

Just outside the South Bank parklands is the Joh-Bjelke Petersen Memorial Skate Park. Skate rink signs reading ‘no chinks or coloureds allowed’, while no longer strictly enforced, are now heritage listed.

For an unforgettable experience of Brisbane’s enviable night life, head to the Treasury Casino on George Street. Thankfully, unlike many other Australian casinos, the Treasury is built in a lovely heritage building, tastefully highlighted in brilliant neon lights of lime green, purple and bruised turquoise. Even though Council regulations dictate that heritage buildings may only have amber lighting, the Treasury can avoid this restriction because it is in fact classified under entertainment. And how. It is here you will find the most surprisingly delicious daiquiris, served fresh from turbulent slushie machines and available in either strawberry or rainbow flavour. The smoking balcony holds a capacity of fifteen people. Nicotine lovers, do not miss this rare opportunity to smoke in Brisbane’s most ample designated outdoor smoking area.

Bars and Pubs

From here you can make your way to Fortitude Valley. If your weaknesses include leopard print, leather, home bleach jobs, or Van Halen, the Mustang Bar will take your night all the way to eleven. Here, young male undergrad students are traded like currency between female quadragenarians on the dance floor. Bar managers are sentenced to spend their remaining days at the Mustang if they get on the wrong side of the Cloudland owners.

Ask any local for the best pub within a 2km radius of the Mater Hospital and they will tell you it’s The Redbrick Hotel. Conveniently, it’s a 4 minute walk down Annerley Road from the Mater Mothers’ Private Hospital and is famous for its red bricks and friendly bar staff. It was once the home of the $5 for 5 beers Monday night special, however this was unfortunately put to a stop when authorities undertook the great Binge-Drinking Crackdown in 2007. Following this, a number of commissions were established to investigate the precipitous decline of taxi-driver assaults, date-rape incidents and unwarranted shouts of ‘Queenslander!’

Restaurants

For a romantic dining experience, we recommend the Regatta Boatshed in Toowong. This picturesque riverside restaurant turns into a beer garden in the evening, and is also a great place for celebrity spotting. Big Brother Season 3 runner-up Daniel has been seen here on occasion, as well as various B105 radio hosts, some of whom are also former Big Brother contestants. Many of the bar staff here are ex-Broncos players, however the Regatta has a large Wallabies patronage. Police have routinely expressed surprise that this is the site of the second-most violent assaults in the state, sometimes even surpassing the usual leading category of minors or Aboriginals in police custody.

Travel Safety

Be aware of recently passed by-laws regarding the term ‘Brisvegas’. This word is banned in most public spaces. Designated ‘safe’ areas, where this word can be used without fear of reprimand, include the Southbank Busways, the Cultural Centre and the east end of the Queen Street Mall. To most Brisbanites, this word is incredibly offensive and if heard outside the safe areas, could result in a dead fly in your EasyWay bubble tea or a pubic hair in your Toscani’s soup. This term is deemed acceptable in most Irish pubs, where work is offered to those who commit minor crimes in lieu of jail time.

Drawing attention to yourself as a tourist can also encourage harassment from the otherwise easy-going locals. You can blend in by wearing shorts at all times. If you are female, then the shorter your shorts, the better. If you are male, any length is suitable. We also suggest wearing a frangipani flower behind one ear. These can be found in most community gardens, on some streets, or in residential front yards.

Culture

Brisbane proudly boasts some of Australia’s most significant cultural icons. Veteran music legends, BUMS, also known as the Brisbane Ukulele Musical Society, perform regularly in Coorparoo, West End, and other diverse suburbs. Another place worth visiting if you are interested in the local music scene is The Step Inn bar, a heavy metal venue that hosts Reggae nights on Fridays.

The city is also home to a recently constructed modern art gallery. The GOMA, as it’s affectionately known, replaced the Queensland Museum of Human Rights and Democracy after critics argued that a salted, blackened wasteland was not an effective use of the space.

Politics and History

Although inactive most of the year, apart for the occasional displays of a government funded and obscure interpretive dance called ‘soccer’, during the winter months Suncorp Stadium, formerly Lang Park, becomes the site of mass Brisbanite democracy. It was in response to this admirable exercise of people power that XXXX introduced the ‘Summer Bright Lager’, instantly doubling the state’s beverage choices. It was that same democratic deliberation that established the glorious statue of Wally Lewis that looks over this sacred ground. The powers that be, in a regrettable backward step for Queensland democracy, overturned the motion that the statue feature Lewis holding a rifle aloft in one hand, while the other carried the severed head of Andrew Johns. It should be noted that many New South Welshmen also backed at least half of that statue idea.

For travellers with children, Queensland Parliament, also known as the state theatre, stages daily pantomimes populated with an array of cartoonish satirical portraits of country hickdom. Although critics have long decried the spectacle as repetitive, children seem to adore the sight of portly men ejaculating incomprehensible imprecations. Subtitles are available for those who speak English.