And in keeping with this theme, I would be a half titanium cyborg with intimacy issues. Why you ask? Well I already have intimacy issues, and in just a little while I will become half cyborg. Well at the very least I wish I was half cyborg, no one would fuck with me then, and I’d never be mistaken for a 12 year old when I went to buy beer, and if I was mistaken for a 12 year old I could just go on a crazy cyborg killing spree… for retributive purposes of course, and because it would be so fun. That’s my story.

Just to make it clear, I hope everyone sort of picked up that each scenario has something to do with the three different books you can win…but I’m sure all my smart cookie readers knew this already ;)

A) A half-titanium cyborg with intimacy issues:

Tempting! Very tempting but too ambiguous. What are the issues? I could enjoy it were I some form of titanium infused super human, chiseled abs and a rock hard mainframe. Downloading and loading down a different girl each night, logging into her USB two-point-ohhhhh pleasure port only to pretend to take down her ISP address and then never network with her again. All because I was never told “I love you” by my motherboard. That’s not a hard second life.

Alternately, if the intimacy issue is that I’m a half robot that frequently gets intimate with a Japanese body pillow, that would be a touch too weird…

Next option!

B) A grizzly-faced poet whose words land him in court:

No.

Just No.

Unless it was to deliver verdicts in limericks.

The defendant John Smith is in strife
Over the murder of Barbara, his wife
Also, his brother Ted
Who John caught in his bed,
John, we’re giving you eighteen to life.

Which brings us to…

C) Caught in a messy love triangle with your mate, a beautiful woman and you’re Sicilian temper:

To have a Sicilian temper, I would have to be Sicilian, no? Now, love triangles can often lead to death (see above) and because of that I like to think that this wouldn’t happen because while my friends know to never get involved in a land war in Asia, they’re also aware that you should never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.

This option is in every way inconceivable.

Verdict!

I will take C. Despite it being impossible, this question is multiple choice and in multiple choice, C is *always* the answer.

I’d be:
a) A half-titanium cyborg with intimacy issues.

Basically because I could fulfill a lifelong dream of trying to emulate and impersonate an anxious version of The Bicentennial Man.

A grizzly-faced …
I’ve got a little tuft of a beard coming along, but being Asian it’s very hard to grow anything more than a pitiful prickle of whiskers. Hmm…

… poet …
Er, well I do dabble.

… whose words land him …
I’m male, and I know words! Hey, that’s a significant achievement. Ooga booga.

… in court
I’ve done jury duty, does that count?

OK, maybe not, but one day I’ll get there …

If this frogger-playing blogger takes up poetry as a sport
I hope the diction of my fiction lands my geeky ass in court
Tho’ my stubble causes trouble every time I show my face
I’d use my ching-chong-chinglish to defend the honour of my race.

So hopefully my nerdy words will get me to the bench
I’d ask my trusty lawyer to subpoena that Elena wench
Then stand up to the pudgey judge and say, “Your honour, (gulp)”
“This ain’t my fault at all sir, it was With Extra Pulp!

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So hang on, how do the prizes work? Not that I’d complain if I won anything, but looks like most people are gunning for #1, including me …

Great competition!