[I read this at Penguin Plays Rough in Sydney last December for its Reimagined Cities night. Radio National recorded the stories that night apparently.]
Things to See and Do
Coffee
Established in 2003 as part of the biannual Westfield refurbishments, Carindale Shopping Centre’s Gloria Jeans cafe has continued to provide thirsty shoppers with its unique brand of green tea frappicinos and two-sugar flat whites. Known for his early starts, friendly owner Gordon will greet you with smiles from his many chins, and if you are lucky enough to be under twenty and female, expect a couple of extra stamps on your loyalty card.
Shopping
Don’t let the dried-blood coloured carpets or pot-smoking trolley boys in the basement car park deter you; Carindale shopping centre is not only a hidden mecca of fashion outlets and electronics shops but also a gateway into the oft-forgotten south east suburbs, thanks to a collection of bus stations that put Chermside to shame. Only three bus transfers and a short 50 minute walk will take you to Wynnum, a coastal suburb famous for its Blockbuster video rental store. The same Blockbuster outside of which two young men participated in a shovel swordfight one muggy two dollar Tuesday evening. Keep your eyes on the ground as not only will you avoid inadvertently challenging someone to a fight, but you may also find a lucky shard of the losing boy’s teeth. For those of you not in the mood for scavenger hunts, however, Elissa who runs the market stall on the corner of the complex sells these lucky shards for $5 a piece in a ziplock bag.
A quick 90-minute train ride will take you into the vibrant and cosmopolitan city. Feel like a swim? Why wouldn’t you? Every day in Brisbane is perfect swimming weather. But now you’re in the city and the closest beach is at the Gold Coast, a whole hour away. Rest assured, we’ve quizzed the local city folk for you and found one of Brisbane’s best kept secrets.
Entertainment
South Bank is the proud home of Breaka Beach, a man-made city beach just off the river, nestled by palm trees, spiritual Asia-inspired huts, and the occasional 80s vintage high-rise. According to local superstition, stepping out of the water with a bandaid stuck to your lip is considered a sign of good fortune. Our recommendation for a perfect day at Breaka Beach: toss some crumbs at a passing ibis, purchase a multi-coloured slinky from the South Bank markets and race it down one of the impeccably kept grassy hills. Do watch out for snogging young people, though, as this is a romantic hotspot among the high school students. Local business owners have continuously lobbied the council for these saliva-riddled pests to be eradicated, but the council has only responded by planting more ferns in the secluded walkways. They argued that the extortionate prices and lack of smoking facilities at venues in the area, as well as its general lack of any redeeming value except as a risky place to fornicate, have helped preserve the area from being overrun with tourists.
Just outside the South Bank parklands is the Joh-Bjelke Petersen Memorial Skate Park. Skate rink signs reading ‘no chinks or coloureds allowed’, while no longer strictly enforced, are now heritage listed.
For an unforgettable experience of Brisbane’s enviable night life, head to the Treasury Casino on George Street. Thankfully, unlike many other Australian casinos, the Treasury is built in a lovely heritage building, tastefully highlighted in brilliant neon lights of lime green, purple and bruised turquoise. Even though Council regulations dictate that heritage buildings may only have amber lighting, the Treasury can avoid this restriction because it is in fact classified under entertainment. And how. It is here you will find the most surprisingly delicious daiquiris, served fresh from turbulent slushie machines and available in either strawberry or rainbow flavour. The smoking balcony holds a capacity of fifteen people. Nicotine lovers, do not miss this rare opportunity to smoke in Brisbane’s most ample designated outdoor smoking area.
Bars and Pubs
From here you can make your way to Fortitude Valley. If your weaknesses include leopard print, leather, home bleach jobs, or Van Halen, the Mustang Bar will take your night all the way to eleven. Here, young male undergrad students are traded like currency between female quadragenarians on the dance floor. Bar managers are sentenced to spend their remaining days at the Mustang if they get on the wrong side of the Cloudland owners.
Ask any local for the best pub within a 2km radius of the Mater Hospital and they will tell you it’s The Redbrick Hotel. Conveniently, it’s a 4 minute walk down Annerley Road from the Mater Mothers’ Private Hospital and is famous for its red bricks and friendly bar staff. It was once the home of the $5 for 5 beers Monday night special, however this was unfortunately put to a stop when authorities undertook the great Binge-Drinking Crackdown in 2007. Following this, a number of commissions were established to investigate the precipitous decline of taxi-driver assaults, date-rape incidents and unwarranted shouts of ‘Queenslander!’
Restaurants
For a romantic dining experience, we recommend the Regatta Boatshed in Toowong. This picturesque riverside restaurant turns into a beer garden in the evening, and is also a great place for celebrity spotting. Big Brother Season 3 runner-up Daniel has been seen here on occasion, as well as various B105 radio hosts, some of whom are also former Big Brother contestants. Many of the bar staff here are ex-Broncos players, however the Regatta has a large Wallabies patronage. Police have routinely expressed surprise that this is the site of the second-most violent assaults in the state, sometimes even surpassing the usual leading category of minors or Aboriginals in police custody.
Travel Safety
Be aware of recently passed by-laws regarding the term ‘Brisvegas’. This word is banned in most public spaces. Designated ‘safe’ areas, where this word can be used without fear of reprimand, include the Southbank Busways, the Cultural Centre and the east end of the Queen Street Mall. To most Brisbanites, this word is incredibly offensive and if heard outside the safe areas, could result in a dead fly in your EasyWay bubble tea or a pubic hair in your Toscani’s soup. This term is deemed acceptable in most Irish pubs, where work is offered to those who commit minor crimes in lieu of jail time.
Drawing attention to yourself as a tourist can also encourage harassment from the otherwise easy-going locals. You can blend in by wearing shorts at all times. If you are female, then the shorter your shorts, the better. If you are male, any length is suitable. We also suggest wearing a frangipani flower behind one ear. These can be found in most community gardens, on some streets, or in residential front yards.
Culture
Brisbane proudly boasts some of Australia’s most significant cultural icons. Veteran music legends, BUMS, also known as the Brisbane Ukulele Musical Society, perform regularly in Coorparoo, West End, and other diverse suburbs. Another place worth visiting if you are interested in the local music scene is The Step Inn bar, a heavy metal venue that hosts Reggae nights on Fridays.
The city is also home to a recently constructed modern art gallery. The GOMA, as it’s affectionately known, replaced the Queensland Museum of Human Rights and Democracy after critics argued that a salted, blackened wasteland was not an effective use of the space.
Politics and History
Although inactive most of the year, apart for the occasional displays of a government funded and obscure interpretive dance called ‘soccer’, during the winter months Suncorp Stadium, formerly Lang Park, becomes the site of mass Brisbanite democracy. It was in response to this admirable exercise of people power that XXXX introduced the ‘Summer Bright Lager’, instantly doubling the state’s beverage choices. It was that same democratic deliberation that established the glorious statue of Wally Lewis that looks over this sacred ground. The powers that be, in a regrettable backward step for Queensland democracy, overturned the motion that the statue feature Lewis holding a rifle aloft in one hand, while the other carried the severed head of Andrew Johns. It should be noted that many New South Welshmen also backed at least half of that statue idea.
For travellers with children, Queensland Parliament, also known as the state theatre, stages daily pantomimes populated with an array of cartoonish satirical portraits of country hickdom. Although critics have long decried the spectacle as repetitive, children seem to adore the sight of portly men ejaculating incomprehensible imprecations. Subtitles are available for those who speak English.